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Really...do I have to do everything?

November 3rd, 2011 at 06:06 pm

So, despite doing the full time mom/maid/chef thing during the day (minus the two half days kids are in school), working evenings, and trying to climb out of debt, I am running into some, well, incompetance with the hubby. I went to work this evening only for a few hours and all I asked him to do was "Change the kids bed sheets, put new ones on, and give them a bath." I came home and only one kid was bathed, the other one was still up coloring, one bed was changed, but no new sheets and he said he did some dishes (a few cups). Wow, this is not fun and while I pointed out that he didn't really help me or do the things I asked, he stormed off somewhere. So it makes me wonder if I should hire a college or high school kid to help at maybe $10 an hour 1-2 times a week/4 hours total to watch the kids while I do the rest around the house? It has been like this for sometime now, hubby thinks all he has to do is got to work and come home. I would be spending $40, but wonder if it's worth it or try and cut some corners elsewhere?

8 Responses to “Really...do I have to do everything? ”

  1. PNW Mom Says:

    Personally I would let his laundry pile up and only cook for the kids (and yourself).

    Maybe then he will get the message?

    If he is not willing to help on a regular basis, I would save the $40 and just do what you can do.

    Your house does not have to be perfect. Maybe you can come up with some kind of cleaning/chore schedule for youself. When your kids are in school, do the things that are hard to get done when they are home and save the rest for a later time or day.

    Good luck!

  2. Looking Forward Says:

    You should not have to spend any money for help when you have a perfectly capable "adult" in your house. Don't try to kill yourself by doing everything. I have also heard that a written list works better for hubby to follow and cross off as he goes. Try (I know it can be really hard) to praise something he did do and then say nothing about the rest.

    And keep smiling. Smile

  3. baselle Says:

    Unfortunately you have a project on your hands. Here is an article that helped me out with my DH. The only twist is that I never told him I did any of it. I have to keep some secrets to keep the upper hand. A lot of the tricks are free, but they will take time.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?pagewa...

  4. laura Says:


    List, list, list!

    My kids work best with a "to do" list. Highlight prioritiy tasks so their importance is illustrated.

    My DH *thinks* he can multi-task like load the dishwasher and help with math at the same time. I'd never do this. However, after spending lots of October in a vicodin-induced haze/fog due to dental issues, DH stepped up and guess what? The dishes were clean and the homework was done even if not in the manner that I'd do it.

    Good luck! I'd save the money and maybe treat yourself with a small indulgence because you're clearly the winner of the "Woman of the House"! (hugs)

  5. pretty cheap jewelry Says:

    oh this is the quintessential issue with marriages - housework. I've blogged before at the end of my rope 'TIME TO HIRE A MAID???!!!' and the answers calmed me down.

    I have 2 kids, now 11 and 13 and a (now) reasonably helpful husband. However, it took nearly 10 years to get it this way!! Nagging and being grouchy have gotten me some free time, but also a lot of gray hair and lines in my forehead. My daughter mimics me too much which is awful to see reflected.

    The only advice I can offer is hard to follow. Let it go a little. As I have gotten older (50s now) it is MUCH easier to NOT have the floors swept most every day, to NOT straighten the beds and to NOT have the kitchen sparkling clean with no dirty dishes at the end of the day.

    It will probably take you the same years to get to this point.

    If you have a better sense of humor than me (weak here) then make jokes somehow about it, make the work into some sort of play. It's hard but every so often it helps.

    Keep venting on line cause it is better than in person toward your family. HANG IN THERE!!!!

  6. snshijuptr Says:

    Figure out the chores your husband actually cares about and either 1) have him take care of those or 2) trade him for a chore you really care about. My husband likes to have a home cooked dinner every night so when we first moved in together, I taught him how to cook. Now he does much of the cooking. He likes to have the bed made everyday and I like to have the clothes put away. Since I sleep later, I would only make the bed if there were no clothes on the bed. We started off small after we got married, but we have both gotten to the point where last night he was feeling really guilty for not cleaning the bathroom in weeks despite having 2 jobs and a masters thesis to write.

    Remember most boys aren't raised to see a mess like girls are. Make an effort to raise your children so they understand how, why, and when we clean the house.

  7. mamas debt time out Says:

    So, after a whole day of rebelling (I left him with the kids on Sunday to fend and feed himself/kids, while I hate to say it (okay, not really because I loved every minute of not doing a thing), but took myself out for lunch, dinner, and a movie). I know it was emotional spending, but I have honestly hit a brick wall with the guy and we cannot afford a divorce at this point...it's too expensive (even divorce mediation), I actually checked! LOL, kinda. Then I got it together since paying $10.50 for a movie annoyed me when they are free on Hulu or library, or $1 at the redbox or blockbuster stations. I followed many of your suggestions combined...I made a small list...of the chores he cares about/does. Plus, he stated to also asked me what could be helpful since the thought of him having to cook and me spending money scared him, or perhaps a divorce since I told him if he doesn't help me...it puts me in the position of being a maid, which I refuse to be right now. He actually started to help out after I made him a list of what he could do. Get this, he was astounded and told me he couldn't possibly get everything done when it's stuff I manage in a day. So perhaps baby steps and also more positive reinforcement on the good actions...via the article
    http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?pagewanted=all
    THAT article was great!!! LOVED it! Thank youSmile I still picked ups socks and many other things today, but the dishes were put away at leastSmile

  8. patientsaver Says:

    This is the kind of stuff that made me give up on relationships.

    Probably the worst housework issues i've had with a man was living with someone who was not only the youngest in his family but the only boy, with 3 older sisters! Red flag, red flag, red flag!!

    He was too lazy to clean up after himself so he'd put used and dirty dishes in the cabinet and yes, even in the freezer! How gross is that? His rationale was well, I know I'm going to have ice cream again tomorrow night, so why bother washing the bowl? I can just stick it in the freezer!

    He gouged grooves in my counter top after using it as a cutting board. He got in the habit of putting all his weight on his arms and swinging like a monkey on the banister as he went down the stairs until i told him he was going to break my banister that way. Yeah, this was a grown man in his 40s. I started sounding like someone's mother nagging yelling at him all the time.

    He'd open a window in the dead of winter if he got too warm and let all my precious heat fly right out the window. Umm, did you ever think to lower the thermostat????

    This had been for years a long distance relationship and obviously i had no idea who the real person was. He was living in California at the time we reconnected, and while we initially agreed that he would rent an apartment somewhere in CT after we decided to try out the relationship for real, I felt bad that he was giving up his career (he was burnt out and was looking for an exit) and moving across the country just to be with me. So I invited him to live in my house. Shudder. Lesson learned.

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